©2009,MALCYART, All Rights Reserved.
Oh yes!!! I wrote a book! A book about life in a tank over my 15 years in the Army. It pulls no punches, tells it as it is and the language is as spoken by soldiers the world over, perhaps I should have considered a 'Parental Advisory'? It plays heavily on the mad escapades of Tankies. The book is not, surprisingly, aimed at all us old 'cold war' Tankies. I have endeavoured to inject enough fact and humour to interest even complete laymen to the world of Tanking. It covers life in the 3rd Royal Tank Regiment between 1975 and 1990. Both the laughter and sometimes poignant times are reflected, for example what is it like to punch a 56ton tank into the front of a German's house at 5am? There are plenty of photos from my own scrapbook and my own cartoons and illustrations in the book and, my sense of humour is poured into the 300 odd pages!!
Look mum, it's even been quoted at the Tank Museum in Bovington.......fame...at last!!!
Here is a short extract out of chapter 2 'The Beast'.
So here we were in The Royal Armoured Corps, and today would be the first day when we would get to smell, feel and even sit in our first real tank.
The morning started with the obligatory merry festive getting run off our feet, then back to the room, quick shower and change into our overalls. Having got changed we all formed up for our daily ‘first parade’, which consisted mainly of our Troop Sergeants inspecting us and informing us of our inadequacies in wearing the Queens uniform.
“What the f#ck is that on your head son? A f#cking beret? I f#cking think not! It looks like you’ve done a wee in it! Yes, there, look a wee”.
With that the poor unfortunate lad's beret was swiftly plucked from his bonce and the Sergeant ‘frisbeed’ it across the landscape while screaming “WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
The beret came to rest in a suspiciously foul looking puddle and lay there looking unwanted and dishevelled.
Having sated himself at the poor chaps expense he then turned to the rest of us and made the long awaited announcement.
“Okay, listen up you crapheads, today is the day, yes the day when you start your transformation from tin to armoured soldiers. I have my doubts whether you’ll ever rate as tank men, but the curriculum says we will at least have a crack at training your bloody miserable souls”.
With all that cheery repartee we just couldn’t wait for this next step in our adventure.
So off we marched to a date with destiny, well, with a huge cloud of smoke actually. As we neared the tank hangers all we could hear was a loud wail from an engine and a dense cloud of smoke drifted out the hanger doors. Then, squeaking, roaring and belching smoke from its exhausts the beast known as a Chieftain tank loomed into view.
The Chieftain Main Battle Tank had first entered service in the early 1960’s. So by the time I first laid my sweaty palm on this one it had already gone through many evolutionary stages to become what stood before us now, the Mark 2. Little did I realise just how many changes were still to happen to Chieftain before it’s life effectively ended as it handed over the baton to its successor Challenger later in my career. Either way at this stage it was unimportant, quite frankly its very presence was at that time awe-inspiring. This leviathan was rated as the best Main Battle Tank in the world. And boy could I sense it.
Our Instructor now turned to face us.
“Right lads it’s my dubious honour today to introduce you to the Chieftain Mark 2 MBT so without further ado... Chieftain Mark 2 this is C1 troop, C1 troop this is Chieftain Mark 2”.
He seemed to find this introduction amusing so we thought it best to politely titter along with him.
Having got through this formality he then, amidst much pointing and flailing of limbs, showed us the tank's salient points.
He slapped his hand onto the front of the vehicle, “this my lads is the glacis plate, no it hasn’t got bugger all to do with mints and polar bears, it is in fact the thickest piece of armour on the vehicle. It protects the front section of the hull, which is the name for the main body of the tank. Why, I hear you ask is it so important to protect the front? Well it’s because we, in British tanks do not, I repeat DO NOT show our f#cking arses to the enemy at any time, well, other than if we’re doing a moony, but not while we’re in a tank! The hole you can see in the glacis plate is the drivers hatch”.
Well that sealed it; I would be a driver then. The safest seat in the vehicle, just my cup of tea. I mean, come on, self preservation has to be the greatest natural human instinct, hasn’t it?
“Right then, one at a time into the drivers seat and I’ll show.........”
Stupid bloke, there was no way he was ever going to finish that sentence as we stormed over him as one, all trying to get onto the tank first.
He quickly recouped, “AAAARGH, you bunch of bastards, off the tank NOW and give me fifty pushups!” .......................
A review taken from the Royal British Legion Magazine - 'Legion'.
When a boy from Dartmoor took a day trip to London to see the Changing of the Guard, his mind was made up: Malcolm Cleverley wanted to be a soldier when he grew up.
So in May 1975, 16-year-old Malcolm bid farewell to his family, hopped onboard a train and began his adventures as a ‘tankie’ in the 3rd Royal Tank Regiment.
Through the chapters of his memoirs, readers will discover how he evolved from a naïve young farm boy into a proud service man. He recounts his first experiences of basic training, to his adventures serving abroad at the height of the Cold War.
From the agony and embarrassment of basic training – being suspended upside down from a tree during one particular camp – to sharing meals of cold fish with German soldiers, and looking on as a fellow ‘tankie’ ends up covered in raw sewage during a seemingly simple exercise. Through stories like these, Armoured Farmer captures an insightful snapshot of what a ‘tankie’s’ life was like during that era.
Unlike many soldier’s memoirs, he has chosen to record his stories by using each chapter to outline a certain experience rather than simply retell his life story in chronological fashion, meaning that wherever you open up the book, you can start to read and enjoy.
Malcolm adopts an honest but amusing writing style for his storytelling. His use of language is certainly colourful, so the easily offended are perhaps advised to stay clear. But for those who are used to and appreciate a bit of military banter, it simply adds to the lighthearted humour.
This is a must read for anyone who enjoys an entertaining bit of non-fiction, whether they’ve been in the Tank Regiment or not.
I have, below, inserted three reviews of happy readers and the book is available at :
or you may purchase a signed copy from me through the Malcyartshop page of this site.
Go on, buy it, you know you want to?!?!?
Reviews. I didn't pay anyone......genuinely didn't, everyone likes it and seems to think it's hilarious!!
Firstly from a chap on the Army rumour Service (ARRSE)website.
Malcy has posted extracts on ARRSE and they have generally been well received. Let me assure you that the whole book is like that. Tells it like it is, reads easy (no pretentious writing or long words to have you reaching for the dictionary) and, true to life, there is always something to laugh about even when it's no laughing matter. He catches the squaddy sentiment in a way that nobody outside ever can or will. I could smell that distinctive smell of OEP220 gearbox oil on the Ferret park at Nicosia even though my sense of smell was struck off strength years ago. And I found myself reading it with a West Country accent. No idea why. I always felt I'd missed out when my local regiment was in the process of converting to Recce even as I joined and I missed out on my life-long dream of playing with big-boys' toys (not that I didn't feel fulfilled in the Recce role, you understand: playing with Chieftain was simply a tick in the box that I didn't get). For those who want to know what it was like in a tank on the front line of the Cold War, this is the book you need to read to get the warts and all. For those of you who were there, it's a wonderful trip down Memory Lane, SP9 7QD without being an ego-trip. Malcy isn't afraid to put himself down when he thoroughly bliddy deserves it. Rather than a strict chronological history, much of the book is broken down into periods by type, for example troop training, FTX, Ranges, BATUS, etc, which makes for a remarkably easy read. You don't have to do so much flicking back to refer to previous events because they are all lumped together logically. All too quickly you'll come to the end of the book and wish for more. I bet the b******d had that in mind all along. Sucker you lot all in, then issue a Volume 2 to take your money twice.
And a review from another ARRSE member.
For what it's worth, here's my 2p. First of all I was approaching it from an outsider's viewpoint. Tank nerd I may well be, but the closest I'd got to the real thing was looking at them in museums, watching documentaries or reading about them. I had actually got buggerall idea what it was like to live with the big metal beasts. From t'web I had a fair idea that Chieftain apparently broke down now and then, and that your average German farmer may allegedly have pointed in the direction of whichever bit of farm he wanted to replace at HMG's expense when the large noisy things charged (limped) over the horizon in a cloud of diesel exhaust.
So, the book. It's written in an almost conversational style, not littered with jargon and acronyms which seems to be a trap that too many military books fall into (if a 40 page glossary is required then the author hasn't done it right in the first place). It also takes you along at a good pace - there are areas where you KNOW that there is more to be told but going into too much depth risks bogging the narrative down. (Or alternatively that's waiting for volume two...)
Although VERY funny, it doesn't feel that the book was playing for laughs, rather that some genuinely bizarre stuff occurred and the author described it well.
The more technical stuff (i.e tank design through the ages) was also delivered in a style that anybody could understand.
This comment was emailed to me by someone who liked the book.
Malcy
Picked your book up from Tavistock Library being an ex Infantryman (Ex Farmers Boy 1st Bn DERR) and always keen to look how the other half live, I so enjoyed your book joining in 1977 and leaving in 2000 it was full of good humour and the characters that are sadly lacking in the Military now. How true your bit about the tank phone was, we worked with 5th Skins in Osnabruck our OC would take us down the tank park to learn how to help when tracks needed changing on Chieftains as he always said best to have your main firepower with you, because your 432 isn’t going to kill anything, and besides whenever you needed hot water the BV’s were always there.
Once again I thoroughly enjoyed your book, good old Squaddie humour.
Yours aye
Chris Cowley
Another happy reader
Malc
Orlando was a success and the book was read from cover to cover! Did i like the book? Of course i did, very nice piece of work indeed. I found that it being very close to home meant that i could just change the odd name here and there and it pretty much mirrored my own thoughts and recollections of that time period, seems we all did pretty much the same things and under the same circumstances with the same types of characters. A truly excellent read and i look forward with interest to your next epic! Honestly though mate, very well done an honest and somehwat hilarious look at the life of Tank soldiers in the RAC in the late 70's early 80's, you focused, obviously, on 3 RTR but it is a credit to us all and our professionalism and love for life............
Jim
The book was also reviewed favourably by the 'Soldier' Magazine and in 'The Western Morning News' Daily Newspaper.